Rainbows

The day after I came home from Arizona, my oldest daughter came in to see me, her urgent voice, "Mom come out here and see this quick" had me up out of the chair in seconds to find this beautiful sign that greeted us.

        

                   A Rainbow.

What beauty, what a lovely symbol of hope. Too many days are filled with the negative aspects of life...anger, jealousy, fear, hopelessness, why is it that it is easier to be negative than positive. Positivity takes a lot of work, a minute to minute conscience effort, to be nice,pleasant to be thoughtful, kind. On this particular day it was a welcomed site, this rainbow, because I needed to know that there is Hope and this Hope showed up at my door.

Beth

Thoughts of Life.....

So as I sit here and ponder the thoughts of my life after 43 years I wonder what the purpose of my life is truly meant to accomplish, feeling as if I am at the bottom and trying to work my way up, but never succeeding or gaining any ground.  I am reminded of conversations in which people have stated that "your life gets better with age" and that "40 is the new 30, and 50 the new 40 etc.. and that you become more aware of the meaning of life and peace in life as you get older", Well, I wish that whoever those "people" were, they would have handed out a "step by step" guide!!  

But then the other day as...

I was watching an interview with the author, J.K. Rowling, she said something that resonated with me, "Love wins....in the end love wins...when a person dies the love doesn't shut off like a faucet...it stays with us...it is an amazing resilient part of us."  She also said "Love is the most powerful thing of all", and it just hit me...why am I looking for something else, something better, bigger, more profound?? I have it all right in front of me, my husband, who loves me,my faith in God, my children, family, home, health....why do I feel the need to look for more, for some spectacular incident that will supposedly open my eyes to the "meaning of life"?  When the "spectacular incident" has always been right in front of me, right within my reach, it has been here all along...the love and beauty of which I give to others. 

"we touch other peoples lives simply by existing"

It has been a while...

It has been a while since my last blog post...in that time I have not exercised nor have I treated my body well by eating healthy...but today, August 27 is my second day at the gym. Yes, I joined a gym, for the month...and what I found, as I had an hour with a personal trainer, is that I have and do 99% of the exercises she showed me at home. I did them with my old routine before I "fell off the wagon".  So as I was on the treadmill today looking at the women on the elliptical, because there is no other way for me to look, I thought that the view from my home treadmill, my backyard, wasn't such a bad view after all.  It is just that I understand that getting out and going to the gym gives me more gumption to get into a routine and less distractions...but I don't like to stare at people and I am not the type that like to exercise my "elephant" looking body in front of others. So what possessed me to join a gym in the first place....Well this brain of mine works in this other reality...it thinks that in a few months this body will look slimmer and more toned just like the picture that flashed across my brain while thinking it was a great idea to join a gym...but then the real reality is that it will take a lot of sweat and hard work to get it there and I have to seriously have to ask myself, "am I willing to work that hard?"  Why is it so much easier to get fat than it is to get thin? We don't literally sweat when putting a cheese burger into our mouths...but that extra love handle sure pops out quick enough.  

Battle

Why is it that life is such a battle??? For me, being a woman, I battle my children, my weight, my thoughts. I battle the urge to fall a sleep or the urge to wake my self up and stay awake. I even battle in my nightmares...why do I have such crazy nightmares to being with.  I battle time, love, life and my husband. I am tired of battle...I am tired of not having peace. What is with that. 

Holiday Weekend

Ok, well I don't like the weekends so much....let me re-phrase that.....I like weekends because the hubby is home and we can go on family outings or just relax and have family time together, but as far as food and exercise, weekends are hard....I am totaly off my schedule and get side tracked to easy.   

My weekend started on Friday, July 3rd, which was our wedding anniversary...13 years...so all of the kids had sleepovers and my hubby and I went out to dinner and met with friends for drinks after....It was a nice and relaxing night.

Saturday, was a do nothing day, after getting the kids we just hung at home and did nothing...which is rare.....then later that night one of the kiddies was in the fourth of July parade and we attended that then took them to dinner at Olive Garden....which was good..actually too good!!! No exercise that day.   

Then Sunday we cooked out and went to see fireworks, yesterday we had my hubby's family over and leftovers.

I don't know why is it so hard to keep a schedule on the weekends... now I feel extreme yuckness (not a word I know..but my description) because I didn't do well over the weekend....I am trying hard not to beat myself up and just letting go...but sometimes I get these waves that pass over me and the guilty feeling comes back...Why is it so difficult to  stay on track....is it that I don't want it bad enough...because I do.....is it that I let others dictate or guilt me into eating what I know is not healthy for me....or the fact that I go in with the attitude that I can eat anything just in moderation and then talk my self into "one more bite" which ends up to be 20 one more bites????

Tomorrow I will be weight myself..and today I will be food journaling maybe thats the key.

I don't know, I am not an expert, but I am the only one that can truly lose the weight, NO ONE can do it for me I am the only one that can! So it is high time I start Living on the Edge....of My Own Life!

Running

Well yesterday I felt as if I lived in my car....giving my daughter a 30 minute ride to work only to have her call me an hour later to pick her up!!The adventures of being a mom!

I didn't get to walk with my friend on Thursday, but I did exercise by running 3miles and walking a mile on my own. It was a good run until mile 2, then I wanted to quit, but I found some kind of determination to make it the rest of the way.

    This first week of "summer vacation" hasn't been too stressful with all of the kids home. I am allowing myself to be aware of my moods and feelings, for my eating habits as well as how I react to my family members.   I will start with food next week, but for yesterday I had a vegetarian meal for dinner. We had make-your-own taco/burritos with ground beef, but as the hubby and kids chowed down, my burrito was on a spinach tortilla, with all veggies. I try to at least have a meatless meal once a week for dinner. I find myself, at this stage in life staying away from red meat and going for more chicken, but meatless meals some how make me feel lighter and not as stuffed after I finish.

I also was going to weigh myself everyday, but I think for now I might do it once or twice a week, I do not want to become to obsessed with the scale, my goal is to be as active as I can, make healthy eating choices, and live in the present moment with less worrying about the future and most importantly making sure I am always  "Living on the Edge....of My Own Life!"

Until Monday....have a wonderful, healthy weekend!

  

Leg Strength

My Exercise yesterday consisted of mowing the lawn, biking to my friends house, walking 3+miles and biking home. What we put our legs through in a day is monumental...think about what strength our legs allow us to carry, participate in, keep us standing as well as functioning. How grateful I am to be allowed to utilize them in this way.

On our walk my dearest friend is coping with caring for her 94 year old mother, these walks are twofold, one so she can vent, and two so I get exercise. We were discussing yesterday about friendship and that true friends will allow you to vent about the same subject for a long period of time(even years), free from judgement or complaint of having to listening to the same subject over and over, that is just what friends do. I totally agree, I don't know how I would have managed to get through the trials of my divorce years ago,with out good friends, as well as being there for friends when one of them needed some council at 2 A.M. I also believe that we are sent friends to be teachers or mentors. 

So one of my thoughts yesterday as we walked and I listened, was that although I am not experiencing the same trail as my dear friend, these walks and venting might be preparing me for the same situation, since my mother is not quite 80, but still very independent.

"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should."  

                                    ~ Unknown